Getting Married Too Young

Since William and Kate married I see more and more articles about the benefits of waiting to get married until you are older. Over the years I experienced criticism and the gasping look from people when the find out how young I was when I got married. The biggest question I get is “what did your parents think?” Even more of a shocking look when I tell them they were fine with it and married at the same age as Tony and me. Even worse when we first got engaged, the first question to cross people’s mind (some even said it out loud) was is she pregnant?

Background
When Tony and I got married I had just turned 19 and he was about to turn 24. There is about a 5 year age difference between us. We met when I was 17 and started dating when I was 18. Three months after we were dating he asked me to marry him. Tony and I never talked about marriage. Going into the relationship we both thought we were going to date for a few months and move onto our separate ways. I never expected Tony to fall completely in love with me. So much so that when he first said it my reaction was “no you don’t”. I was not one of those young girls that started planning my wedding when I was a child. Marriage was never on my mind. I had just started college and had a long road ahead of me. So when Tony popped the question (no ring in hand) I did not take him completely seriously until the next day he said we needed to go ring shopping. So why at my age, having never thought about marriage, would I jump down the isle with a man I was only dating for three months? Because we both just knew we were soul mates. Even my mom did. She and a lady she worked with were making bets on when he would ask me. As said above my parents were the same age when they got married and now have been married for over 35 years.

Waiting to Discover Yourself
What I do not like are people these days passing judgment on those that get married young. Not everyone is at the same maturity level when they are 19, 20, even 30. I was very mature for my age. If I had not married Tony when I did where would my life be? I would have turned down my soul mate to, as they say in the articles, find myself…discover who I am? These articles argue that you are not the same person as you are when you are 18 and 28. What they fail to mention is you are not the same person at 28 as you are 38 or 48 or 58! So how long do you need to discover yourself? One of the best parts of marriage is growing as a couple. You still develop your individuality and the best part is you have your spouse there to cheer you on.

Experience
These articles out there with age comes experience hence why you should wait to get married. What experiences are we talking about here? My single girlfriends have slim pickings when it comes to great men in their late 20’s and early 30’s. Most of them are set in their ways, many have children from previous relationships, they set very high standards, some already married and divorced, and others are damaged and not trustworthy because of their “experiences” in previous relationships. Not saying ever man or woman out there is like this but many of them are. Why in the world would I put myself through that because I needed to discover who I am? Instead I followed my heart and knew at 18 years Tony was going to be my husband for the rest of my life. In the past 10 years we shared so many wonderful experiences, vacations, and just life in general. I do not think I would have had all of those if it was not for Tony.

Financial Stability
Another reason recent articles want people to wait to get married is so they are financially stable. Finances being the number one reason for divorce I can see their reasoning but do not agree with it. Unlike most married couples we chose not to have children right away which contributes to the financial instability of couples that marry young. So many people think your finances will fall into place when you have kids but the reality is it does not and for many the credit card bills that are unmanageable.

When I was 20 Tony and I were able to buy our first home. It was nothing extravagant but we were able to get a start building equity. Two years later when we moved to NC we bought our second home when I was 22 and he was 27. We got a jump start into financial stability. Luckily it was all before the housing crash. We were smart enough at that age to know we should not spend more than we can afford and smart enough to know not to take out a variable rate mortgage. Right now we are under a 15 year fixed rate mortgage at 3.75%. Thanks to our long payment history, great credit scores, and zero credit card debt we were able to achieve that rate. We do use credit cards to build our history but pay them off every month. So where are the babies since we achieved financial stability? We have not decided if parenthood is for us. Right now we really are enjoying each other.

Our Struggles
This is not to say Tony and I did not have our fare share of struggles given we married so young. But getting married right away is what also helped us from walking out on the relationship. I could not imagine being with someone for 5 years without marriage and then one day they just had enough and walk out. We made a commitment to each other. For better or for worse; for rich or for poor. We take the vows we made very seriously. Some of the stuff we went through in our marriage I think many people would have walked out on. We never dealt with infidelity but the death of my brother, moving across country, and family issues would have most people filing for divorce.

When we were in serious trouble I was in a depression from the death of my brother and he was deeply depressed because he was missing his family after we moved across the country. Didn’t help they called all the time asking when HE was moving back, with or without me. Since we each had our own issues we were dealing with we were not there to help each other. After over a year of being miserable we sought out help through a psychologist. She really helped us repair our marriage and get back on track. Why am I so honest about this? Because every marriage has issues and if you are in trouble I do not want you to be afraid to seek help from a psychologist. If you sit back and say everything has been perfect you are full of shit.

What We Do and Did Right
We did not jump right into having kids. This may work for some people but for Tony and me not having children right away has done wonders for our marriage. We are happily settled with our four furry ones.

I did not quit school. Another speculation that was out there when Tony and I got engaged was whether or not I would finish college. Well I finished alright, along with two other degrees. Tony supported me the whole way – 8 years worth.

We did not let other people define what it is to be married. Most people think you get married, you have kids, you see your family ever weekend, etc. It took a while but we discovered what makes us happy as a couple. Other people’s opinions, including our parent’s, are not welcome.

When we knew our marriage was in trouble we went for help rather than rushing to a lawyers office. At the time we were in trouble I never would have thought our marriage would be as close to perfect as it is today.

We fixed our finances. Everyone makes financial mistakes and we were some of them too when we first got engaged. It did not take long for us to realize what happened and we quickly jumped on board to fix it right away. We do not live beyond our means and if one of us lost a job we would be OK – which you all should know we have been there.

We both still have our own individuality. Tony has his guy’s nights, guy Harley rides, and guys camping trips. I have karate and girl time. Being able to be an individual is so important to a marriage.

We find things we like to do together. I like riding with Tony when I have time. We enjoy mini vacations and long vacations together. We like camping, board games, movies, hiking, among many other things. There really no better evening than dinner at home, snuggling on the couch, and watching a movie with popcorn.

Now that we are planning our vow renewal for our 10 year anniversary in Aruba I really have never felt so close to my husband. I am excited to renew our vows after 10 years since we were so young when we married. Now we get two great experiences. Marriage as young adults and vow renewal as established adults. If I had to go back in time and do it all over again I would. I do not regret one bit getting married young.

Closing Statement
Getting married young is not for everyone; neither is getting married older. If you know your partner is the right person for you don’t hold off because people are telling you that you need to discover yourself or think there is something better out there. It is better to marry the right person at the wrong time than the wrong person at the right time. You know what is right for you regardless of age. Enjoy the great times, fight like hell during the bad times, and never give up on your version about what it means to be happy.