What is Marriage Really?

What is Marriage?
Marriage simply defined is a union between two people. But ever since we are children we are taught you fall in love, get married, and have kids. You are not taught what it actually means to be a married couple – just the expectations and that number one expectation being children.

Early years child discussions
When Tony and I got engaged 11 years ago we both wanted a family. We both had dreams of a house with two children. After we married that perspective on life began to change. I was still in college when we got married and continued in college for another seven years – something we never expected when we married. Throughout college we both knew children was not an option given I was also working full-time. It was stressful on our marriage since Tony really wanted a family and I wanted advanced education and a career. It did not help the case there was enormous pressure from his family for us to have children right away. It seemed like every week for the first two years of our marriage we were asked when we were having kids.

Tragedy and opportunity has me rethinking children
In 2005 after my brother died I did go through a phase when I thought I really wanted kids but soon realized what I wanted was a replacement for my brother. In 2008 when I finished college Tony and I put kids into our plans. We were looking for a bigger house, getting our finances in order, and then in 2009 I received the phone call for a job working on the largest bank merger in history. Tony and I talked and we knew this was an opportunity I could not turn down. So our plans for children went on hold while I worked on the merger for the next year.

After the merger was complete and I was unemployed, children still seemed to be the last thing on our mind. Some more background is my health. Even if Tony and I wanted children I have issues that would cause it to be difficult. Given what I know about my health I never wanted to get hung up on having a family for fear of a great disappointment if it did not happen.

Somewhere in 2009 and 2010 both Tony and I realized we are perfectly happy without children and the pressure of a family has been lifted. We are able to enjoy nice vacations. We can come and go as we please. We have nothing holding us back from the plans we make as a couple.

Do You Have to Have Kids to Be in a Marriage?
Now that Tony and I made the decision to forgo children it seems even in our current society not having children is taboo. Search childless marriages online and you will pull up loads of articles about people wondering what is wrong with couples that decide not to have children. Childless marriages are frequently referred to as selfish. How is having 10 children or even 1 child you cannot afford any more selfish than not having any? Even worse is I find articles that speculate not having children will send you to divorce court more than having children will. Really? So having children and staying together in an unhappy marriage is better?

Does being married mean you HAVE to have children? The state of Washington seems to think so. In 2006 in an effort to ban same sex marriages (which I support) they denied gays the right to marry because such unions do not further the purpose of procreation. So does this mean Tony and I should not be married because we choose not to procreate? I love that the gay rights groups retaliated by collecting signatures proposing marriage only be allowed in the state of Washington to those that procreate within three years. If not, their marriage will be annulled. Of course this part was only a joke but provides a valid point to gay rights and marriage is more than just having children.

There are a few things I learned over the years with mine and Tony’s decision over children.

1. Never ask people when they plan on having children. It is none of your business. They will tell you if they want you to know.

2. People that choose to be child free are not selfish.

3. Do not pressure your friends to have kids just because you found happiness in it.

4. Be conscious of your facial expressions when someone tells you they do not want kids. I can see that look of disgust or questioning what is wrong with me.

5. Children can be a painful discussion for some. Many childless marriages may have started out wanting children but their bodies fought against it.

6. Don’t be so judgmental. I can easily judge you for contributing to our over populated world as you can judge me for not having kids.

7. The primary reason to marry should be because you love the person you are with. Not because your biological clock is ticking.


So what is marriage really?
Marriage is just simple; the partnership between two people that love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. Children are not in the definition of a marriage. Marriage is not black and white. It is colorful filled with different types of people, different expectations, and different goals. No one's marriage is the standard template all others must follow. Enjoy what you have with who you are with and do not let any one else tell you different.